I’m falling for my best friend’s boyfriend. What do I do?

So he has a girlfriend. And I'm kinda falling for him. To add onto that, his girlfriend is one of my best friends. I mean, before they even got together, he an i had a thing going and then she came along and swooped him away from me. I don't know if I should do the same thing to her and risk our friendship, or just let her have him even though they are currently having relationship problems. What do i do? - Sara from Boston, MA

Sara – I appreciate the boldness of this question.  Usually people make this decision on their own; right, wrong, or indifferent.  The fact that you’re putting this out there means that you really care about your friend and deep down don’t want to hurt her.  If you’re asking for an “answer” instead of “advice”, I’d say don’t do it.  Yeah she may have swept him out from under you previously, but from the few sentences you’ve told us about it, it doesn’t sound like you and him were all that serious.  If they are truly having relationship problems then just trust that they will break up soon and after waiting the allotted 3-6 months, you can start dating him without worry of stealing him and ruining your friendship.

99% of all relationships fail according to a stat I just googled for the sake of sounding knowledgeable on the subject.  This means that most likely, neither of you are going to end up with this guy.  Maybe you both just need to team up and give this guy a memory that will last a lifetime.  If that doesn’t work, then maybe you should both break his heart at separate times and leave your thumbprint on him for the rest of his life.  This way he’s always thinking about the “two that got away”.  Don’t do anything stupid on impulse…most people think that everybody is going to get married tomorrow so they need to do something today.  Patience always prevails in these situations and if he’s really the “one for you” (he isn’t) then you will be with him soon enough.

But you are going to need a partner in crime to go slut it up with once this guy doesn’t work out for either of you, so don’t risk the friendship for a 1% chance.

VC

 


Before you do anything STOP!  Ask yourself if this is something you’re willing to risk on both ends.  How important is your friendship with him?  How important is your friendship with her?

I tend to notice this sort of topic comes up amongst younger people.  I saw it arise when I was in high school.  It is more common than you’d imagine.  In fact, I even wrote about it for a recent blog you should check out.  If you guys are friends, is it because you dated?  If that’s the case, it’s probably best that you are friends and don’t do anything to ruin it.  It didn’t work out for a reason, so leave it at that.  Trust me, at the end of a day, a guy can appreciate his friend just as much as his girl, and if not, even more than the girl.  If you never dated, and you find yourself thinking about this guy, it’s time to be straight forward and just ask him.

Ask him how he feels about you before you decide to spout out your feelings.  If he likes you back and mentions that he thinks about you often, it may be worth it to come between the two of them.  Let’s face it, if he’s in a relationship where he can’t be emotionally or physically faithful, it’s not a relationship he should be in at all!  There have been guys I have been interested in who were friends, and realized that I liked them.  I asked them, and some admitted they liked me back.  And there were the others, who clearly did not.  But let’s face the facts. . . men have a general idea of what they want.  If they wanted to be with you, they would.  Then again, if he’s in a relationship with a controlling girlfriend, you may never be able to get any say in anything.  She may be manipulating what he thinks he wants.  You’re going to have to sit down, write out a list of what the deciding factors are and take it from there.

1.) Friendships-worth it?  Why?

2.) What differentiates you from your friend… and why would you be a better girlfriend?

3.) Any indicators why he may like you?

4.) Do you advise your friend (the girlfriend) in relationship matters?

5.) Find yourself sharing more with your guy friend than your girl?

6.) Is there a time-limit to any of these relationships/friendships (ex. high-school 4 yrs, college 2-4-yrs, post college, etc)?  — I ask this because usually after high school people break up and realize there is more to life and many more people than just the classmates they grew up with.

7.) Are you being honest with yourself about how you really feel?  Do you really know what you want?

If you find yourself answering yes to questions 3,4,5, and 7, you may want to just take a chance.  There is nothing wrong with taking chances.  It’s the failures in life that get us closer to knowing what what we really want.

Feel free to follow up this question with an e-mail to Joanna@soyouhaveagirlfriend.com or any of the other cast members of soyouhaveagirlfriend.com


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