What are “the bases”?

Ive been confused with the terms '1st base', '2nd base', etc. What do they mean? How many bases are there? - Hannah from Chicago, IL

Just for the record, I don’t know if I’ve ever been completely taught what the “bases” are, but let’s give it a shot. Figure if anything, we can sort it out together as we move along. Here goes!

First Base

Now depending on how far into this we get, I think this is like kissing. I haven’t actually plotted out where we’re going with this yet, so I don’t know what would fall into each category. But I think this is kissing, holding, maybe what the kid’s called “necking”, back in 1973. Today, it’s just some good ol’ making out. Hands in appropriate places and just having a solid makeout session.

Second Base

Upshirt! We’re talking some skin-on-skin action here. We’re talking some full out groping, maybe a little body kissing, maybe one of those sensual massages you’re really good at. Think of second base as fun with the body’s largest organ! WHAT?! Skin! What were you thinking? Sick-o.

Leading-off Second

second base lead offSo you know how in baseball, before you steal a base, you take a good solid lead-off? Not that I’m saying you’re going to rape the girl at 3rd base, but, this is just more like an intermediary bridge between second and third.

Now, for the second base lead-off, I’m throwing this out there…handjobs, and/or the female equivalent. I don’t really know if there’s a name for the female handjob except the phrase “diddling” which just makes me feel like a gross old man to say. Essentially, between second and third…we’ve reached the genitals.

Third Base

As we clarified earlier, third base is not rape. I’m chalking up 3rd base to oral sex. So you may have that second base lead-off and eyeballing second base like a fat kid staring at a burrito, but before you go sliding in face first (not feet first, you could seriously injure somebody. It’s oral sex, not a sleeping bag, man!) here’s where you want to pump the brakes for a second and refer to Episode 5, “And She Has a Weird Rash”. Actually, shit, amendment to First Base as well…look for cold sores. You don’t want to get that mouth herp.

Flashlight Under CoversSo, before you go doing, whatever it is you think you’re going to do down there…have a look around. Just like you did when you were a little kid, and you’d bust out a flashlight under the covers and open a book. Only now, instead of looking for Waldo, you’re looking for herpes. And he’s a much bigger national threat than Waldo ever was.

And just in case you don’t have one, here, here’s a link to a free flashlight app for your iPhone. Get that, and just bust it out before you do anything and have a look. If they ask what you’re doing, in your best prospector voice just reply with, “I be lookin’ for gold in deez der hills.” (Note: that is not going to help the situation…only worsen it.)

Home Run

This is where some people’s base running analogies change it up. I equate a home run to having sex. Playing “Just the Tip”….ehh, that’s like a 3rd base lead-off. A home run is full on penetration…well, then followed by repetitive motions perhaps at multiple angles to achieve differing sensations…WHICH, lead to the body reaching a climactic point. Yeah! How about THAT! I should write for like a men’s health magazine or some shit. Only, they probably wouldn’t let me say shit.

BACK to the home run. Home run, equals sex. Now, I know you’re asking, “JoE, if a home run is sex, is there no such thing as a grand slam in Denny’s AND in baseball?” And you know what, you’re right!

Grand Slam

I’m uhh…I’m not really sure how this one measures up or fits into everything. Let’s see. If a home run is you scoring, and a grand slam is other people scoring…hmmm. I guess a grand slam would be an orgy.

End of the Game

In today’s society, thanks to things like Viagra, there really is no “end of the game” anymore. Even dudes who go against Darwinism are being allowed to still run the bases. Sure it raises the blood pressure, and probably brings them on the verge of keeling over mid coitus, but that’s all part of the thrill! All in all, that’s my understanding of base running and a sexual relationship.